Sometimes I feel like the mass population thinks I’m dumber than I am.
This is excluding the people who I hold close to my heart and know me. Because if you were to question my intelligence around them, they would slap you and inform you that just because I was in instawhore doesn’t mean my brain is pea sized.
See if you Google “Beepss” the first 3 images that come up would make you assume I’m just a dumb slut. I’m saying that In all honesty. A redbull can in between my ass cheeks and my booty out in BSGD panties don’t make you think “GENIUS.” My life choice of being naked on Instagram is something that I cannot escape. Nor do I really want to. I’m not ashamed that I went through a stage of attention whoring and I still really do enjoy being naked. I’m probably naked 90% of my day.
See being smart is lonely. I’m not talking go to university and get a 4.0 smart. I’m talking your brain never turns off and you psychoanalyze the world all the time smart. When you try and relate to people and they have no fucking idea what you’re talking about and look at you like you’re mentally unstable. When In all actuality you have just realized that conforming to the mass populations thought process would be a waste of your life and brain cells.
Being smart and naked really kills you. The majority of the population with their narrow-minded thought process looks at someone like me (naked, dancer, and so on) and assumes that I am not as intelligent as someone studying engineering. When in all actuality if I was in a University, studying and listening to lectures I would probably do just as well as the masses. Society has this misconstrued thought that the “different type” aren’t as smart as the 9-5s or the people who keep their clothes on.
I am weird, different, and bizarre. I am everything that doesn’t fit into the box of normality. This doesn’t make me stupid.
Because I like being naked and have very little regard for the opinions of others. This doesn’t make me less intelligent than the bible-studying nurse next door. If anything she is probably a closeted slut who had to study over time to pass her course.
I’m not searching for validation from others, or a pat on the head and a good job you’re a smart girl. But just because you’ve seen my tits, don’t think your brain is larger than mine. 90% of the time I’ve figured out a solution before you’ve even read the question.
People see me online, read my entries and look and my photos and feel like I am an open book. They commend me on my raw, honest, open way of living my life. Sharing my stories. They feel like they know about me and what I’m like. I often wonder what I look like to other people, what perception do they have of me. Not because I care about other peoples opinions but because I want to know if they are even close to comprehending who I am as a being. See I can’t even comprehend myself as a being, I can’t even figure myself out. I mean I am constantly evolving, transitioning into a new stage of my life daily.
Who am I? What am I? Where do I want to be?
Who am I? What am I?
For years I wore masks not knowing who or what I really was. REHAB (that super fun place where I got to tan all day) taught me to take off masks. Not like at a masquerade party but like an emotional journey where you cry and yell and self discover. (Come on that’s why rehabs cost as much as a mortgage.) Even though these “masks” have been removed, it doesn’t mean I really know who I am or what I am. I mean at times I’m sure of whom I am yet at other times I find myself questioning what I am. I’ve been a drug addict, a monster, a lover, a sober human and a million other things. Sometimes these things flood into my complex mind and have me questioning what I have become and who I really am.
I don’t plan well and I don’t want to plan well. I don’t want to map out my next 5 years; I don’t want to have a ten-year plan. Call it immature, call it irresponsible, I want to live, not live the pre mapped plan that society tells me I should follow. No I want to live my life the way it unfolds on its own. This non-conventional way of living is one that comes with many ups and many downs. Half the time I feel like I should be locked in a mental asylum while the other half I feel like a functioning member of society. I don’t have a conventional job, I don’t have conventional goals and I sure as hell surround myself with a wide variety of unconventional beings.
(Most of them a bit mentally unstable, but not all ;) )
These people on the Internet, they read and entry or look at a photo of someone online and think they no that person. Automatically from just looking at a photo a subconcious pre conceived that person of a person creates notion that THEY HAVENT EVEN MET YET.
We are all guilty of this; even my mind has created ideas about a person that I haven’t even interacted with. ( yes yes not all good ideas.) That is the mental part about technology, television, Internet, apps. We feel like we actually know these people on the other side of the screen from just looking at them.
To me this is both fascinating and disconcerting at the same time. I love that people feel connected with just the click of a button or read of an article. But sometimes these sneak peaks into someone’s life leave too many people judging and not enough people with an open mind about a certain person’s personality.
Laying in bed reading the 188 messages that have accumulated on my tumblr since my last log in. I’d like to pretend that log In was yesterday and that I’m extremely popular. But in reality that log in was a couple months ago and I have been slacking on my social media love.
I was expecting majority of the messages to be horny dudes asking to see me naked or “when are you gonna do porn next.” But to my surprise a large majority of these messages were people asking what happened to my writing or concerned about my last “dark posts.”
These reactions, concerns and Interest from total strangers had me re evaluating this Internet world and how we can feel so connected to someone we haven’t even met.
I mean I am no celebrity and I’m sure lady gaga would have a better understanding on this than me. But to think that people who have never physically seen me face to face feel some sort of human like connection with me boggles my mind. ( it also makes me feel super cool, like sit w the popular girls at school cool. Seew fancy.)
I have been slacking on writing. Well writing blogs anyways. I began to question the point in my rumblings and rants. Wondering if anyone really cared to read the fucked up string of thoughts to come out of a girl posting photos w Popsicles and her boobs out. …. So I stopped writing and I just went on with my day to day life. As the months have gone on though, I realized the writing wasn’t for my audience it was for myself. The paragraphs and poems are this expression ( wow ok let’s get super motivational and deep here beepss) of myself. And although many seem to relate (which believe me I’m super stoked on, like buy me a new puppy stoked) the writing keeps me from becoming extremely mentally unstable.
So I’m back , and to whoever likes to read, ill be writing again. And whoever likes boobs. Well those will always be there. Xx b
Hi really like your blog and photos. i wanted to ask if you would be interested in joining our promo team? if your interested drop me a message on our facebook page and ill give you all the info :)thanks Dan
Happy you're getting all this love one here! I know you don't ask for it, but its nice to see! You are an inspiration to many people who are going through difficult times! Keep living the good life and thank you for sharing! Also, a very Gorgeous woman! Your confidence is extremely sexy
Thank you!! I’m just glad that my words actually help people :)
Your post about sobriety sparked a question in me. I know what the dark side is like, I can relate to most of your post about using and your sobriety now.. Did you give it all up at once? I've been down the same roads and have given it all up aside from the alcohol, and I do have nights where I tell myself it's time to give up on this too.. Although I've toned it down, I still need a drink at night, society makes it feel normal although it's not.. Any advice?
Don’t listen to society listen to yourself. If you feel the drink is a problem stop it. If it isn’t then don’t. I didn’t quit in a conventional manner and I don’t follow the program I am sober the way I stay sober.