This is beepss.

I am not some humorous being who feels like I can relate with the majority of the population. My “funny” comments are never said with the intention of making you laugh. -

Drugs, Alcohol, Spiraling out of control are what my youth and early adulthood consisted of. In turn morphing me into someone who found it normal to wake up on stranger’s couches and snorting lines of cocaine sitting at my work desk.

Sobriety. Waking up consistently knowing your day cannot possibly get any better unless you find an internal way to satisfy yourself. THE NATURAL UPPERS. Shit. –

Sobriety has entered me into a new realm of crazy. A realm in which my mind is in its own rabbit hole of not knowing if I’m up or down. Emerged in my own naturally created mind game

NO I’m not bashing the sober lifestyle or glamourizing the pills and powders that changed me from a human into an emaciated version of the popular E.T. But my sobriety has made me a crazy I have no excuse for. No substances to blame my insanity on. ITS ME. IM THE INSANE ONE. Yes, accepted.

I accepted this long ago when I looked around and realized I’d rather be locked in a dark room then surrounded by any sort of people. My dark thoughts and anxiety around groups of people didn’t dissipate when I dropped crack and returned to eating 3 meals a day and not sleeping on an ex con missing his front tooth’s couch. Physically sober, mentally —— questionable?

“STOP FEELING”- my mind screams this at my body daily.

No I’m not in the program. No I don’t believe it would help integrate me into not being a recluse.  I don’t enjoy listening to different people talk about the same problems for an hour and a half 3 times a week. If anything that makes me want a 40oz more than deep rooted childhood issues. I’m glad Bill W has saved so many Asses. Personally I’ll take my chances without the holding hands and higher power.

Don’t hate me, (well you can if you want) for my lack of program enthusiasm. Its not my cup of tea (or vodka) – cheers to you if it’s yours.

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Wishing, wanting, waiting, hoping-

Distracting myself to avoid doping…

Up my body so I go numb

Become oblivious, temporarily dumb

Blinding myself from my own destructive notions

Sometimes drugs feel like magical potions

Hypocrisy spins in my mind-I fight with demons all the time

But the “high off life” sometimes doesn’t cut it 

Wanting to fall down the rabbit hole with Alice and love it 

But my fall is never temporary- the potions turn to poisons –scary.

The numbness then becomes my addiction,

Loving the disgusting destructive self infliction

-Where you at can you hear me? I talk to my mind to try and think more clearly. But all the voices talk to loudly, Am I insane or are my thoughts just cloudy-

Who would think that my brain could become a dungeon?

No dragons here just filled with self-destruction

Memories, terror scenes, the dreams kill thoughts of happy things

So like the fall I turn cold, like I said this shit will turn you old

When bitterness fills your soul, you become the negative words you spew

The optimistic pure human you were, is just a distant memory of someone you wish you knew

But as fucked up as it seems you don’t regret it, because who would you be if you didn’t get through it

-Where you at can you hear me? I talk to my mind to try and think more clearly. But all the voices talk to loudly, Am I insane or are my thoughts just cloudy-

See I never understood the effects of growing up in a religious home until I became old enough to realize that it was “ God “ that was tearing my relationship apart with my family.  These are some of the trials and tribulations of being raised by religious parents…

We live in a society where sex has become a primary marketing tool, the Internet rules our lives and we watch alcoholics as amusement on MTV. Just reading this opening sentence could land a religious parent grabbing the Holy Water and blessing the computer screen. Religion has been used as a parenting tool to mess kids up since the beginning of time and this is how:

The only thing I want shoved down my throat is food (good food…preferably steak), not a book that you worship

Anyone who has grown up in a religious home that hasn’t felt the same way about the Holy Book can relate. Having a religion shoved down your throat isn’t going to stop you from acting the way you want. If anything it is going to drive you to want to do everything in your power to piss “GOD” and your parents off. God wanted his followers to spread the word of his love for them not force his thoughts into the unwilling. Plus by constantly preaching the word of God and not allowing a young person to explore and learn about other religions you are just setting a child up for resentment. That or they will become a bible thumper and we resented by half of society

Using “God” as an excuse for your parenting actions

Using God as a reason for punishment when you’re child misbehaves. Religious parents love to pull God into an “disobedient” action a their child does. (*Insert the classic “We are all children of God” line here.) This has made children of religious parents around the world being to hate religion with a passion. Taking away my phone and banning me from the world, as well as forcing me to go to Church is not going to make me love Jesus. If anything I am going to hate Jesus and blame him every time I get in shit.

Sheltering from the real world: Remember Adam and Eve? We always want what we are told we can’t have

Not allowing the Internet in the home, or boys/girls over isn’t going to prevent bad things from happening. This doesn’t mean you should start supplying your kids with booze and porn. But attempting to separate in order to protect isn’t logical. When your child is old enough to see what the world really is they aren’t going to know how to handle it. Religious kids are some of the biggest alcoholics and psychopaths out there when they grow up. (I speak from experience. the alcoholic not psychopath.. though some may beg to differ.) We all saw the Virgin Suicides didn’t we? This is a perfect example of what can happen when you try to shelter your children from the rest of society to protect them. IT ISNT NORMAL.

Normal, What is really normal?

Comparing is another and probably one of the most detrimental things religious parents do. Consistently comparing actions of their children to others, not only does this cause a child to feel insignificant it also causes them to believe that their normal feelings and actions are wrong or “unholy.”  Just because your son or daughter is becoming interested in the opposite sex doesn’t make them abnormal or bad. It’s normal for young people to question things. Including questions God’s word. If parents insist on driving these questions out of their children they should just put their kids up for adoption and raise Jesus loving robots instead.

Just because I’m making choices that you don’t like doesn’t mean I’m possessed by the Devil

This is one of my favorites. The old “ The devil has taken you over” line. Ok just because I am doing something that the bible frowns upon does not mean you need to set me up for an exorcism.  If the devil is behind me taking a half naked photo then move over Emily Rose I’m about to make millions off of my own box office hit. Just because I want to be a model and am in swimsuit doesn’t mean I need to be blessed with holy water. Also you don’t need to tell me “you’ll pray for me” because I decide to bartend in a gay bar to pay my bills while in school.

I use the name God because that’s what I am familiar with, but this applies to all over religious families no matter what name you use. If these over bearing religious parents could open their eyes to see that even God is more open minded then them they may have a more open, honest relationship with their children. Growing up in a religious home caused me to be secretive and dishonest. (& Turned me into a crazy person, lies aren’t easy to have on your conscience.) Being fearful that if I opened up about my personal beliefs I would be shunned or disowned. We live in a society of freedom of speech and opportunity we shouldn’t be scared to tell our parents who we are. What molds us into who we are, are the choices we make on our own, not the ones that we are told “God” has chose for us.

If there is a God (or whatever name your religion has for him) , parents let him speak for himself. 

I love being naked. We all know this. My tits are openly displayed on my twitter, and I am naked every chance I get. Just because I’d rather work with my boobs out than in a bra doesn’t mean I don’t have a brain that I’m utilizing 24 hours of the day. (I’m an insomniac it NEVER shuts off …ok?)

Looking at the idols of today’s youth one might vomit in their mouths.  Not only is Kim Kardasian someone little girls look up to, we have a whole teenage generation wanting to suck Justin Beiber’s penis. We have become a society that has lost sight of things like morals and values and have become saturated with materialistic bullshit.  

No one uses his or her brains. I don’t mean like university brains, I mean every day common sense brains. We have shows like Jersey Shore ruling MTV and polls on if Kim Kardasian looks good with bangs popping up on social networking sites. Are these really the types of people that the youth of today are aspiring to be? Teen Mom is glamourizing teen pregnancy and Amber Rose is showing girls that if they bang enough rappers eventually they will land one and be set for life.

Ok, I’m sure half of you think I’m just being a hater after that last sentence. So lets just eat a cookie and continue to read.

Everyone is focused on their exterior instead of focused on the interior of their skull. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure the thousand photos I post of myself half naked might have you thinking I’m a hypocritical psycho. But I’ll have you know I’m not hypocritical at all. (The people with brains will have caught that joke. ) Although I parade around in my panties I utilize my thinking organ every chance I get. (Since I don’t have a penis I’m talking about my brain.) I also have never been given a free handout in my life and was raised to work my ass off to earn things.

There is a difference between being a trashy whore with no brain and making millions off a reality show about how dumb you are. And being a model or whatever artistic figures you choose to be and using your brain to get ahead in the world.  The problem is people don’t want to put the effort into actually working to achieve success instead they want to look for the easy fast way to make a buck. The drive in our society is at an all time low. People are more concerned on posting tweets that make them appear like they are somebodies instead of being who they really are.

We have broke bitches pretending they are “bosses” and dudes fronting like they are ballers. When in reality they are all sitting on their ass’s doing nothing to actually be productive. It’s about time this generation had a reality check and realized that we were given minds for a reason. TO USE THEM… (I know this may come as a surprise to some.)

People are probably going to snap back and say “ OMAGAWD BuT u W3RE like an insta whor3” and yes yes I was. Just because my tits are out doesn’t mean I don’t have a brain and don’t have morals and values. I have worked 2 + jobs since I was 13, and have never had a free hand out in my life. I feel like I need a disclaimer every time I talk because some asshole with a unicorn horn up his ass makes a STD ridden dick comment.

I get to philosophical sometimes. I mean when I begin to drive myself into feeling like a tweaker trying to figure out what the purpose of life is. I mean I know everyone questions our purpose on this planet. But I feel like I do an unreasonable amount of it. It hits me at least once a day when I look at an elder or infant. So we start being completely dependent then we live our lives until we are completely dependent again. Then we die.

Morbid? No. Factual yes. (Ok maybe a tad morbid, but we all know I’m the walking dead minus the zombie look.)

I recently interviewed a woman who said that the point of life isn’t to find out the purpose but its to perfect our questions. I found this answer to make sense. I mean I spend all day questioning what the purpose of life is, when in reality unless I am some sort of God (even though I do have a WorshipBee fan page) I will never have a fulfilling answer.

Looking at Life, as it is the main purpose is to procreate. If you remove the money from society the one main point of a male and a female is to continue the human race, just like any species. Though as we have evolved we have created other contributing factors that now have people (like myself or anyone that’s half aware of the world) questioning why we are here.

In our society we always want more, feel like we need more. We are never satisfied with what we have. Which poses the question what is our purpose. Our purpose though cant be restricted to one answer or what method of thinking. We are here to procreate, we are here to evolve and we are here to constantly ask why we are here.

As frustrating as not knowing what the purpose of our race is, it’s the unknown that keeps evolution occurring. It’s the constant flow of questions we keep trying to perfect that keep us driven. (I am getting way too philosophical, next thing you know ill be writing inspirational quotes all over fb and sending prayer e-cards.)

Bottom line – even though I drive myself insane trying to understand why I’m here, knowing the answer would probably have me as bored as when I watch any sort of sport.